She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize