I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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