she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
