There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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