you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
