I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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