Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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