So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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