Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
