just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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