so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
