I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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