Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Enjoy the penises
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
