quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
