Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize