No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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