well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Randomize