every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
