3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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