either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
