i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
