any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
