I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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