My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
