There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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