my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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