Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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