I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
