he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize