you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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