Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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