I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
