That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
