I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
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