I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
