it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
