My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
