I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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