My room smells like vodka and shame
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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