Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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