Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize