You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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