I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
