Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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