My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize