it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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