Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize