did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
