your parents love me but you hate me
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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