she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize