I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It's Friday. Sex?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
