It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
