bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
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