I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
