How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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