youre lurking in front of me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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