I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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