naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize