I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
