Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize