In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize