I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
