i always forget guys have bellybuttons
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
