I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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