i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I supernannyed him into submission
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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