My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize