Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
