whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
