Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
