Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
