At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I understand Curling. That high.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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