I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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