I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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